Gift ideas coming up

Listen up, good people of the northern Indianapolis suburbs:  I. Am. About. To be. Famous!  I am officially announcing my brand new book (available for an unbelievably low price of $14.95 through my website, see below) entitled, of course, “Peace Out!”  Love me?  Buy my book and relive, or read for the first time, hilarious, select columns from my early years.  Hate me?  Buy “Peace Out!” and have a good ole fashion Nazi book burning party.  I don’t really care, just buy my book!

Look, I’m not at all shy about promoting myself.  I really want some new leather boots and a trench coat, and those things just don’t show up at my door for free, unlike Current, which gives you weekly access to the life and times of moi and where you can also find my website to buy my book!  Without the extra cash generated by my soon-to-be bestseller “Peace Out!,” I’ll have to stick to the budget and only spend money on generic cereal, book rental fees, travel soccer dues, and pap smears.  Not fun, my friends, so not fun.

So do your part in helping me become more fashion savvy (and famous)!  Buy my book!  Better yet, buy a bunch of copies and send them to your friends.  The holidays are just around the corner; why not give the gift of me?  You’ll be a hero, they’ll be thrilled, and I’ll be rich.  It’s a win-win-win when you buy, buy, BUY!

In all seriousness, “Peace Out!” will appeal to anyone who has ever called him or herself a spouse, parent, sibling, an adult child, a hemorrhoid sufferer, Unisom addict, plastic surgery recipient, hunting widow, homeowner, an aunt/uncle, a Democrat, a mini-van owner or a Mommy-on-the-edge.  I’ve selected my favorite rants from the last five years and organized them into ten delicious chapters for your reading pleasure. Keep it on your nightstand for a quick chuckle before bed or stash it in the loo for some entertaining potty humor.

But wait! There’s more!  I’ve also included a bonus section including the best hate mail you’ll ever read.  Who knows?  Your comments could be in it, though you may not recognize yourself because I’ve changed everyone’s names to protect your sorry, saggy be-hinds.

The point is, I’m offering a once in a lifetime opportunity to board my spaceship to fame while it’s still here on Earth.  Ten years from now, when I’m carousing with J.K. Rowling, Nora Roberts and Oprah (she spans all genres), you can say, “I remember when her first book came out!  She signed it for me at [insert local coffee shop/bookstore/library/gas station]!”

“Peace Out!” (Now available online at, Amazon and Barnes & Noble)