Red all over: Observations on hair color

Last week my wife and I watched a TV program highlighting the most popular television shows of all time. Mary Ellen was delighted when Barbara Walters announced that their poll revealed I Love Lucy was ranked No. 1. “Everyone loves a redhead,” my wife proclaimed. Mary Ellen is very fair and objective. It probably didn’t even dawn on her at that moment that she is a redhead. Out of sight, out of mind.

Does everyone really love redheads? In my research, I discovered that just three weeks ago, there was the Red Head Convention in County Cork, Ireland, where almost a thousand natural redheads redgistered (yes, that’s how they spelled it) to be part of the festivities.  Activities included carrot tossing and red pepper juggling. If you were not athletically inclined, you could bring home the MFPSI award: Most Freckles Per Square Inch. How do you train for that?

The convention was not all fun and games. Redheads face some serious issues; experiments done at the University of Louisville a few years ago showed that it takes 20 percent more anesthesia to knock out a redhead in the dentist’s office. My wife is already a knock-out, so this doesn’t apply to her.

Researchers hooked electrodes to brunettes and redheads so they could shock them with a gradually increasing intensity, at the same time upping the amount of anesthesia they requested to ease the pain. This experiment, which I thought had been outlawed by some international treaty after WWII, apparently proved that redheads are either total wimps or are smart enough to quickly say: “Hey, knock it off, or I’ll remove these wires and wrap them around your neck.”

I didn’t show my wife the article because I wanted to do a little independent study, myself. My friend’s wife is a brunette, so we both spent a few weeks doing extensive personal research and then compared notes.

According to our observations, a man with a red-headed wife (that would be me)…

1. Requires a 100 percent more expensive restaurant to get out of the dog house.

2. Will tell 100 percent fewer jokes about people with freckles.

3. Will spend 100 percent more time saying to clerks at Christmas time: “My wife can’t wear that color.”

4. If he’s smart, is 100 percent less likely to use the word “fiery” in front of her when she gets angry.

5. Is 100 percent more likely to hear his wife say: “I think we’ve been out in the sun long enough.”

These findings are only based on two women in Indianapolis. Your results may vary.