You know you’re old when…

I’ve joked about being old this year. I hit 40 in January and so have played up the geriatric consequences of being “middle aged.” I pee myself when I run, jump and cough; I only like to party at bars until about 7 p.m. (and by party I mean drink one beer, maybe two, if I’ve got a wild hair up my butt); I prefer strained peas from MCL, etc. But after my recent visit to Kings Island, I know for a fact that I am not a spring chicken anymore.

You know you’re old when you actually arrive 30 minutes before the park opens so you can apply ample amounts of sunscreen, divvy out snacks and dry clothes and thoroughly discuss what to do and where to meet if you get lost.

You know you’re old when you just can’t stomach the scrambler or whirl-away or any ride that involves spinning. No thank you, Vomit-inducer; I’ll be riding that bench in the shade for the next hour or so.

You know you’re old when you still refer to the kiddie section as Hanna Barbera Land.

You know you’re old when your favorite roller coaster is the one that allows you to lie down for a quick nap. Sure, you end up upside down and backward as you hurl toward your demise, but you get to lie down!

You know you’re old when you chastise your child for having a panic attack on your new-favorite recliner ride. “Pull it together, Andrew! I’m trying to get some shut-eye!”

You know you’re old when instead of checking out all the hot guys in line at The Beast, all you can think about is how their stupid earrings and trucker hats make them look like meth addicts.  What would your mother say, young man?

You know you’re old when you are not only willing to pay double for a fast pass if it means you don’t have to wait in line for more than 10 minutes, but you are also able to pay because you have a salaried job with health benefits.

You know you’re old when, two hours before the park closes, you are ready to call it a night.  Fireworks schmireworks.

We had a wonderful trip, despite the headaches and meth addicts. Coincidentally, Kings Island was also celebrating its 40th birthday. Who knew? Peace out.