Opinion: Resolution time

Now that we’ve done our bit to keep the Engine of Commerce humming smoothly by spending way too much at Christmas, it is time to turn our attention to the coming year.

Resolution time, you know. The first of which ought to be not to spend so much on Christmas next time. This is a good resolution for one reason — it’s sensible. But it’s also a bad resolution for another reason, namely the fact that it will be forgotten by the time the next holiday season rolls around.

Actually, now that I think about it, most of my resolutions are forgotten well before the following holiday season. Who am I kidding? Most of mine don’t make it past February.

That’s why I am proposing something new this year: Retroactive resolutions. Make them at the end of the year, not the beginning, for the year gone past, not the one coming.

Look at it this way: You’re just about guaranteed to be successful. You’re promising to do or not do things you’ve already done or not done. It’s practically foolproof. I say practically because there are still any number of fools out there who can mess up a free lunch, and the ones I know are absolutely the type who would make a retroactive resolution they already didn’t keep. Or something like that.

Anyway, here are my retroactive resolutions for 2014:

I promise never, ever to sing that song from “Frozen” in a karaoke bar anywhere in this or any other Federal Reserve District.

I promise to try to limit my pizza consumption to one a week. Notice I said try.

I promise to be a more courteous driver by not rolling down the window when I am yelling at motoring morons with names and imprecations you would not want your grandmother to overhear. Even if they are texting while running red lights.

I promise to be better about keeping the yard tidy and to stop telling the neighbors I am trying to reintroduce the tallgrass prairie on our block.

I also promise to be a little more prompt about picking up what the dog leaves behind and not trying to mulch it back into the ground with the lawnmower.

I promise to get the Christmas lights down before Easter.

I promise to attend as many Indianapolis Indians baseball games as my schedule will permit.

I promise to try to limit myself to a cheeseburger every two weeks or so. Notice I said try.

I promise to make all my doctor’s appointments and take an intelligent adult’s interest in my health for a change. See above under cheeseburgers and pizza.

I promise to get rid of my fat clothes, the ones I’ve been hanging on to out of fear that I would suddenly and inexplicably balloon back up into Giant Me.

And finally, I promise to work on being a better person and yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah and all that other vague feel-good resolution stuff everyone says without offering a practical plan for actually achieving the objective.

So there you go. Those are my resolutions for 2014 and I’m pleased to report I kept them, mostly. The pizza one gives me a little trouble but that’s always something I can work on when I make my 2015 resolutions, next December, when I’ve overspent the Christmas budget yet again.

Mike Redmond is an author, journalist, humorist and speaker. Write him at mike@mikeredmondonline.com. For information on speaking fees and availability, visit www.spotlightwww.com.