Opinion: Porpoiseful gift

Commentary by Dick Wolfsie

Sometimes my friends disappoint me. Bob won’t take me to the airport at night (something about cataracts. Oh, please.) Pat won’t feed our cat when we go away for the weekend (yes, Angel has bitten her, but no stitches were required…either time) and Cathy won’t water our plants (sure, philodendron makes her windpipe contract, but what are friends for?).

The need for dependable friends was made clear when I was down in the basement recently and found an old box filled with expired coupons, unused gift cards and this certificate: Congratulations, you’ve won! Feed the dolphins at the Indianapolis Zoo, 4 people (Expiration: December 30, 2016).

I think I bought it at Zoo Fest, an annual gala where all the local eateries showcase their fares on the grounds of the park while you graze. I used to be a celebrity judge, but they stopped asking me about 12 years ago because I pigged out on so many cocktail shrimp at the first St. Elmo booth that I had no appetite (or working taste buds) for the next 30 restaurants whose food I was so supposed to sample.

If I wanted to use this offer, I really needed to invite three friends soon.

“Hi, Rob, it’s Dick Wolfsie. Say, I’m trying to get a group of people together to feed some dolphins…”

“Gee, Dick, only you, in landlocked Indiana, could find homeless, hungry dolphins.”

“These are not homeless, hungry dolphins. These are well-fed, happy dolphins.”

“Then you need to find a more deserving charity. Aren’t we saving whales anymore? Or bald eagles?”

“I bought this at Zoo Fest for $300.”

“Yeah, I was there, too. I got the limo ride for forty bucks. No problems finding friends to come along.”

One more try.

“Mikki, how would you like to feed some dolphins with me?”

“Dick, I get the feeling that this request requires holding dead fish.”

“Yes, I think it does.”

Click.

The next time I go to one of these fundraisers, I’ll buy something extravagant like a weekend cabin in Vail over a weekend. But I won’t be able to go. Who would water the plants and feed the cat?