Opinion: Turn for the worse

Commentary by Dick Wolfise

I seem to have a great deal of trouble turning things off. Turning them on? No sweat. Light switches, blenders, lamps, ovens, and fans are a breeze — especially the last one.

When I’d turn off my old car’s ignition and get out, it kept running. There was an additional reason I never bought another Ford Pinto, but I forget why now.

My wife keeps reminding me to turn off my turn signal. My car has six airbags, a rear-view camera and voice-controlled GPS directions. I’d give it all up if the blinker would go off automatically after  I — what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, yeah: turn.

The other day my wife and I were talking via cell phones. “Dick. Gotta go, I have another call.”

“Okay, see ya.”

“Dick, are you going to hang up or not?”

“I’m trying, Mary Ellen. I pushed the button three times.”

“I’m trying, also. Get off the phone. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

“Don’t make this sound so personal.”

Sometimes I can’t get my computer to shut down. I called Kevin, my tech nerd. He asked, “Did you push the off button?”

“How dumb do you think I am? And don’t mention that time for a hundred bucks you got my printer working by just plugging it back in the outlet.”

“Okay, press the power button softly and hold it just a second.”

“I did that. It won’t turn off.”

“Then press the power button really hard and hold it for 20 seconds.”

“How can both of those be right? I’ll just pull out the plug.”

“Good idea. I can use the money.”

I can’t turn off the loud commercials that play in the background of websites because I can’t find where the X is to close the windows. I’d turn the whole computer off, but remember: I don’t know how to do that.

Yesterday, my wife wanted to go out for a date night. I suggested a sandwich at Jimmy John’s and the new Vin Diesel movie.

“So much for romance,” she said.

Finally, I learned how to turn something off.