Opinion: A year of laughs

Commentary by Dick Wolfsie

Time again to recognize people who inspired my  humor columns this past year. Here’s part 1.

THANKS to Menards for offering a publication with tips on projects you can make with an empty five-gallon bucket. “The buckets are remarkably strong, adaptable and not easily bent out of shap, easy to work with and hold up under pressure.” Wow, I wish we could have found someone like that to run for president.

NO THANKS to my new financial service’s website that asks security questions that even I don’t know the answer to, like, “What time of day was your first child born?” I don’t remember, but I know it was a beautiful day on the golf course. I also didn’t know what city my parents were married in. How would I remember that? I was only a year old.

THANKS to the security guard at the airport who witnessed my typical frantic search of my pants and coat to see if I had my cellphone or if I had left it at the check-in. “I’m not going to search you,” the agent said. “You’ve done a great job of patting yourself down.”

NO THANKS to me for not having faith my headlights will go out automatically. I have spent about 17 hours of my life staring at my car because I didn’t trust the technology to do the job when I went inside my house or into a restaurant. In the old days, if I mentioned this to strangers who had left their lights on, they’d say, “I appreciate it. I sure didn’t want a dead battery.” Years later, they said, “No problem, this is one of those cool new cars where they go off automatically.” Lately, I get a lot of, “Relax, grandpa. When’s the last time you bought a set of wheels?”

THANKS to Mary Ellen for pointing out to me some of my most annoying habits. “In restaurants, you taste my entrée without even asking me.”

“I don’t think tasting each other’s food is such a terrible habit.”

“Even when we order the exact same thing?”

“OK, I won’t do that anymore.”

“And don’t do it to the strangers at the next table, either.”