Opinion: Identity crisis

Commentary by Dick Wolfsie

Despite 40 years on TV, people confuse me with other people with a similar name. Here are letters I have actually received, along with a few I just made up for fun.

Dear Dick:

My grass has turned a putrid brown color. I won’t even let my nine dogs go out there anymore. Suggestions?

A fan, Mary

Dear Mary,

You have confused me with Dick Crum. Nevertheless, you have already made some progress in combating this problem.

***

Dear Dick,

Your show is great. I especially like the “DOINK DOINK” sound that plays at the beginning of each scene.

Thanks, Mrs. Gladys Kirchenbaum

Dear Mrs. Kirchenbaum,

There is no DOINK DOINK sound during my show. You are confusing me with Dick Wolf, executive producer of “Law and Order.” I wrote Dick Wolf and told him I was getting a lot of his fan mail and that I would forward all of it. I asked if he could forward mine to me as well. Nothing yet.

 ***

Dear Dick,

Just saw you on TV. You have more hair now. Who do you think is gonna win the NCAA this year?

Tim

 

Dear Tim,

I had a hair transplant. And by the way, I am not Dick Vitale.

*** 

Dear Dick,

I turned on the TV and saw you in tight shorts. What happened to that buff body you once had?

Sincerely, Donna

 

Dear Donna

I have never had a buff body. You are thinking of Dick the Bruiser.

***

Dear Dick,

What’s it like being married to a witch?

Sally

 

Dear Sally,

I am not Dick York or Dick Sargent from “Bewitched.” And I am hiding this letter from Mary Ellen.

*** 

Dear Dick,

You never seem to age. I love watching you every New Year’s Eve.

Best regards,

Rob Manley

 

Dear Mr. Manley:

You must have meant to contact Dick Clark. Despite my old Facebook page photo, I am rapidly aging. If you are not confusing me with Dick Clark, please stop stalking me.

***

Dear Dick,

I admire what you have done for civil rights.

All the best, Denise

 

Dear Denise,

You are confusing me with Dick Gregory. Happens all the time.